First of all, welcome to this inauspicious event at the Vaudeville Theatre, generously provided by the producers of the current show... help yourselves to the bar, the drinks are on them... well, if they will leave the stage door unlocked...
So, before security arrive, the annual rundown of stuff which delighted and disgusted the monkey enough for it to dig into its attic of inappropriate leftover objects to reward or reprimand the winners.
Serious one out of the way first. No “Gold Medal” winners this year, but:
Theatremonkey Silver Medal: To staff at the Savoy and Fortune Theatres for their assistance provided to a theatremonkey.com reader with knee joint issues.
At “Sunset Boulevard” a helpful Savoy Theatre usher moved him from a cramped seat in stalls row G to an aisle seat on row C at the interval. Without it, he could not have stayed for the rest of the show.
Then at the Fortune Theatre, a member of box office staff understood the problem and not only sold him an appropriate seat kept back for such requirements, but took him into the auditorium to check that it was suitable.
And we are on to the fun stuff:
John Maynard’s Keys (for inexplicable economic theory) to the promotors of Madonna’s “Celebration Tour,” Ticketmaster and AXS. Almost all 48,000 seats for the London O2 Arena run sold out within 5 days. The remaining seats – mostly so far back as to be in another time zone - were then priced at three times more than early purchasers paid. The result was that tickets on offer on re-sale (ticket tout) websites were not only much cheaper but better located. “Price elasticity” stretched to snapping point beyond all logic. Concurrently, the Adam Smith Shield to David Pugh Productions. The kindness of pricing the front stalls corners at £5 for “Pride and Prejudice (sort of)” at Richmond Theatre was wonderful, leading to a new record where at £5.50 the programme was more expensive than the ticket. A first in over 45 years of theatregoing for the monkey.
Noises Off (for best theatrical cliché) to “The Unfriend” at the Criterion Theatre on the afternoon of February 5th 2023. After over 45 years of theatregoing, the monkey finally saw a door handle coming off in an actor's hand without intentional planning. A special comedy moment.
The Open Sesame (for the secret of access) to the stalls gent’s toilet door at the Shaftesbury Theatre. Defeating this desperate monkey and many others, it apparently needed pushing about a third of the way across its width, rather than at the push plate, in order to gain admission.
A Government Enquiry (for weak attention to detail following close attention to detail) to Hayley Grindle for “Romeo and Julie” at the Dorfman Theatre. Having a real Cambridge University letterhead visible on the laptop computer was impressive. Creating very worn Reebok trainers with immaculate new soles, less so. Some you win, some you lose.
The Cowell Results Announcement Pause (for heart-stopping moment) to the cast of “Annie Get Your Gun In Concert” at the London Palladium in April 2023. The orchestra pit is covered by a thin false floor. Below it is a 15-foot drop to solid concrete. It isn’t to be stood on... yet the cast did... the monkey’s prayers were fortunately answered, but it could have done without the tension, thanks all the same, folks.
Louise’s Sing Out (for overcoming sabotage by microphone) to Natasha Hodgson. On press night of all nights at “Operation Mincemeat” her microphone stopped working at the worst possible moment. Leaving the stage for a few moments didn’t help, but, as she told the monkey afterwards, she just projected and hoped for the best. More than good enough, audible in stalls row G without problem. Every actor’s nightmare, coped with to the very height of professionalism.
The Showbiz Toupee Acknowledgment (for laughing self-awareness) to the clarinettist in the Sadler’s Wells orchestra pit during “42nd Street.” Bursting out laughing as an actor on stage explained why band members are kept in a pit was a highlight for those on the front row who saw it.
A Game of Twister (for impressive contortions) to the 6ft 7 man in the row behind the monkey at “Groundhog Day.” Not only in the row behind, but one seat further along. The monkey’s seat had nothing directly behind it, so the guy had an aisle he could have shifted sideways into... But no. Genius contortionist instead kept his feet up – and managed to kick the back of the monkey’s seat eight times in the first act alone. Next spin please... the pointer indicates monkey foot to contortionist butt....
Sugarless Flyte Bar (for a bad chocolate taste) to the marketing genius on the “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” musical tour. Great show, but you must buy the programme (£6 at the New Wimbledon Theatre) to find out the cast list, then also the “souvenir brochure” for a further £10 if you want to know the list of songs. Normally they are all in the cheaper programme – which you don’t even have to buy for the cast list - as that is on a screen in the foyer. Mean or what?
A dodgy moped with L plates (for added customer experience) to the National Theatre, who allowed someone to bring in a box of pizza to consume on the front row at “Dear England” in July 2023. If you are going to do that, let’s go the whole hog and have proper equipment to deliver it, eh? Concurrently, the silver crossbar to their security guard who, a few days later, asked the editor of a major newspaper to submit to a bag search at the door. The editor replied that he didn’t have a bag with him – to which the guard replied that it would still need to be searched. They don’t just put Ionesco on the stage, you know...
Del Boy’s Bonnet de douche (for a quip) to the man in line for interval ice cream at the Theatre Royal Haymarket. When told by the usher that they accept any card, he said “travel card”... which dissolved the whole foyer into giggles.
The Freedom of Jericho (for best coup de théâtre) to Chloe Lamford. Opening “Romeo and Juliet” at the Almeida Theatre by having the cast push over the concrete slab curtain to form their stage, pure genius.
A World of Dreams (for outstanding customer service) to Empire Street Productions, producers of “The Pillowman.” They replied to the tweet from a disappointed audience member whose visit was blighted by drunks all around her with more than appropriate recompense. Well done, if only more companies would do this – and theatre operators do more to prevent it happening in the first place.
The Chris Bean (for insane staging) to the pair of actors who climbed through a deceased wife’s bedroom window in order to change the scenery during an otherwise moving moment in “Rebecca” at Charing Cross Theatre.
A Union Flag, Bowler Hat, Umbrella and Pin-stripe (for upholding the very best of British) to the last couple to arrive at a performance at the National Theatre. Rather senior in years, when they realised that they were in the centre of the second row of stalls, rather than make a fuss disturbing those already seated in row B, they seriously contemplated climbing over into their seats via a vacant seat in row A. The monkey dissuaded them, pointing out it was a far longer drop than it looks... and sensibly they went around. But how wonderfully British, what?
And on that note, the monkey can hear a siren outside. Time to skedaddle it thinks, so, use that side exit which comes out into the alleyway, and see you all next year... thanks for coming, and particularly to those who provided the events of this year. Next year, who knows, it could even be you...