(seen at the afternoon performance on 8th December 2023)
Launched in a blaze of publicity back in July, famous movie writer Richard Curtis promised Comedy, Music, Stories and most of all “Stars” in a celebration of the festive season.
Advance press was rather like those websites full of happy families meeting Santa, riding fairground rides and finding unique gifts at twinkling wooden stalls in a bustling “Christmas Wonderland” attraction.
The result, sadly, was similar.
This is the theatrical equivalent of forking out a wad of cash (admittedly here it does go to a genuine charity, “Comic Relief”) and turning up to find a muddy field containing a donkey with antlers strapped to its head, an ice-cream van, 3 elves sharing a spliff and a Santa with two cotton-wool balls stuck to his face – not for realism, but to try and disguise himself from the police paedo unit photograph.
Actually, this is not quite that bad, but the disappointment is the same.
A forest of fake Christmas trees either side of the stage, with a piano, drum kit and four other musicians at the back, circular video screen above, comprised the set.
Opening with a quick video of “family Christmas” scenes, Miriam-Teak Lee kicked off with “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) in decent style, brassy red shiny rose dress promising a bright afternoon with a quote from “Love Actually,” writer Curtis’s Christmas film hit.
Hosts Jayde Adams and Sanjeev Bhaskar then took over in the most peculiar manner, reciting each-other’s biographies – perhaps because there wasn’t a programme containing them? Tedious with ludicrous rising, the only fun was a heckler claiming Bhaskar’s wife was in “EastEnders” when she is not (his wife got a BAFTA Fellowship though, which is nice for her but superfluous information here).
An introduction to hard-working ensemble actor / singers Marc Antolin, Elizabeth Ayodele, Stephan Boyce and Jamie-Rose Monk before the second peculiarity, as they began with awkward teen nerd style to dispense a litany of Christmas facts.
If you care that Santa’s sled would need to travel at 2.34 million miles per hour to deliver 35,4430 tonnes of gifts as he consumed 336 million mince pies, this sequence is for you (email the monkey, it noted down the lot – partly to help write this, partly as evidence of why it almost died of boredom right then).
With director Daniel Raggett lacking the intelligence to spread these things as a running joke throughout the show – or Curtis not bothering with the construct of what he was writing to make it theatrical or just plain entertaining – we knew then it would be a long afternoon.
More undercooked “sixth form revue” with Curtis imagining how the Nativity Story would be told using CHATGPT. I-pads and props (in an oh so witty “Fire” bucket) distributed, a lengthy and repetitive tale began.
What probably looked quite funny on paper became rapidly tedious as every key word received a secondary definition. The first, even second were novelties as we learned the story of Jesus (Also ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ by Andrew Lloyd Webber) and Jerusalem (an artichoke). If you can imagine another 10 minutes of this, and multiply it by the time since the events actually took place, you are getting close to the excruciation.
Having learned there was no room at the Premier Inn Milton Keynes (a line no self-respecting panto would even consider), things moved on to Christmas cracker jokes from famous footballers.
Not a group known for either a sense of humour or ability to deliver a comic line, as the likes of Sam Johnstone, Marc Guehi, Jarrod Bowen, Bukayo Saka, Rico Lewisi and Jordan Henderson (the monkey copied the captioned names – it didn’t have a clue) fulfilled the “charity and publicity” clauses in their contracts, all became clear.
Simply, when the idea was conceived, Curtis had obviously the thought that the magic of good works and Christmas would lure some top names into appearing live on stage. The novelty of being in the presence of fame would allow him to skim over the cracks as they used their specialness to distract the audience.
What he forgot is that the very top stars do not need to work live, and those that do can earn considerably more in panto – which, oddly, now the monkey thinks of it – never got a mention in the whole show. So, anyway, this is why we were stuck with a bunch of gurning football players demonstrating the decline of literacy education in Britain.
Moving glacially slowly on, the monkey was extremely angry that the next segment – a look at “real Christmas stories” went uncredited to its creators, the writers of “Oh What A Lovely War.”
The “Christmas In The Trenches” sequence from the show, as Tommy and Fritz shared “Silent Night,” chocolate and Christmas cake was well enough acted by the ensemble dressed in appropriate uniform and looking relieved to have some strong material.
The final line, “we won’t play football with you tomorrow, we’d only lose on penalties” was at least amusing, but another indication just how masculine the whole show felt, oddly un-inclusive in its perspective.
Back in 2023, and a show-of-hands decided who would wear a (Poundland – no Palladium Panto budget here) turkey outfit. Either sexist or racist depending who you voted for, and with a “foul debacle” pun or three, another peculiarly ill-judged sketch.
More video from stars who were sensibly absent in person as Joanna Lumley, Tony Robinson and Lenny Henry spoke briefly about gifts which had meant a lot to them.
Finally pulling back a little, loser of the vote Sanjeev recited Benjamin Zephaniah’s “Talking Turkeys” and paid a little tribute to our loss this week.
A fairly well acted “12 Days of Christmas Thank-you Notes” routine, in which Agnes writes to John to thank him (at least at first) for his thoughtful gifts before becoming swamped with birds, pipers, pregnant milk maids and worse unfortunately generated few laughs as it inched along once the five gold rings were delivered and lacked a real punch line to finish.
Generating even fewer laughs, special guests “Flo & Joan” – sisters who play a keyboard and sing their self-penned 'funny' songs - sang of “Christmas At Our House.” While their favourite film “Cling” (‘cling film,’ geddit? the audience didn’t) and a line about serving Santa 'Dr Pepper and Mentos' in the hope he would explode amused, an extremely inappropriate reference to an “adult act” lost the audience entirely from that line onward.
A small recovery nugget, the story of “Band Aid” from a television news report on 23rd October 1984 watched by Bob Geldof and his wife Paula Yates, trigging a call to Midge Ure which resulted in a song after 24 hours writing, recorded free in a studio on 14th December to launch broadcast, simultaneously on all national television channels.
3 million records, £100 million raised and a “Live Aid” concert the following year, we saw a young George Michael, Madonna, Paul McCartney, Freddie Mercury and more in a video sequence distracted only by a few feathers fluttering where they had been ignored by the stage management clearing up after the previous sketch.
Mercifully the first half ground to an end with Miriam-Teak Lee encouraging unsuccessfully a sing-along to “Love Is All Around (Christmas Version)” to lyrics posted on the screen behind.
The second half opened on a video of a snowdrift slowly spelling out “Christmas” as Miriam-Teak Lee and the ensemble sang a medley of Christmas tunes, “Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire,” “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer,” “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town,” “Most Wonderful Time Of The Year,” “Mistletoe and Wine,” “Fairytale of New York,” “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas,” “Here It Is Merry Christmas,” “Walking In A Winter Wonderland” and “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day.”
Problem was, as soon as the audience got engaged enough to clap along, the song changed, and their enthusiasm was squashed once again by a poor directing decision.
So, Jayde Adams entered in an octopus outfit to deliver (after an audience member called it out first) the “eight is a lot of legs, David” line from “Love Actually” for absolutely no reason other than to remind us who wrote this show.
A decent Christmas ghost story, “The Crying Child” about how the Hoskins family bought Fanshawe Court in 1956, complete with ghost of a child, Jasper, whose parents were murdered on Christmas Eve. The Hoskins children gave Jasper a Christmas stocking of gifts and ended the haunting.
Effective stuff, setting us up for two further duds. An inexplicable bit of animated film “The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse” played as an endearingly discordant Battersea Power Station Community Choir accompanied Miriam-Teak Lee in “White Christmas.”
Following this, children’s letters to Santa were read. Demanding real (not fake, like last year) puppies, 39 things they can’t remember, to meet Harry Styles (could have been a kid’s mum, mind) and reminding Santa to bring batteries raised a few smiles but no real laughs.
A breakdown in presenter communications – they were reading off cards, and were clearly under-rehearsed even with those – rather spoilt a segue into something actually brilliant.
Jim and Dylan moved into a New York apartment. The departing owner told them to expect letters from Santa. Hundreds arrived. At a party, guests opened them and found wishes for a bed to sleep in rather than a sofa, for warm coats, shoes, basics of life they took for granted.
The guests left with an envelope each, promising they would fulfil it. Jim and Dylan realised they could do more and set up charity “Miracle On 22nd Street” to answer as many letters as they could. Now a national US organisation doing just that, an inspiring and moving sequence.
Back to the mundane as Jadye Adams delivered Tim Minchin’s “Drinking White Wine In The Sun” about his Australian family Christmas. Combined with more endless appeals to give a donation to charity over and above what we had already lashed out on tickets, the vibe descended into a slightly rubbish telethon rather than classy seasonal entertainment it had aspired to be.
Raising our hopes with the promise of a “Christmas Surprise” (could an actual star be waiting in the wings for a guest appearance? NO), some “snowball” balloons (oh, grow up) were batted around the audience to music. Music stopped, those holding them were given hampers. Had they wanted to raise money, auctioning goodies from the stage may have been more effective. Either way, another idea falling flat.
More video of unidentifiable people talking about gifts they had received before another video of people aided by Comic Relief.
Miriam-Teak Lee was used again to sing “My Grown-Up Christmas List,” an exhausted sound system rendering it slightly inaudible.
Sadly audible, a “Five Minute Christmas Carol” with the hosts and ensemble sharing all the roles was one horrific embarrassment. Excruciatingly badly rehearsed as it exceeded by a long way the five minutes on the projected clock, merely changing costumes rapidly and doing a funny voice is not comedy – though admittedly the Ghost of Christmas Future as a robot to the “Star Wars” march and Tiny Tim with a Liverpool accent almost raised a smile.
Back at their lecterns (it was that kind of lazy presentation) for the story of Christmas Day on Apollo 8, 1968, when a quarter of the entire planet heard the crew read from the opening lines of Genesis (bible, not band) as we watched video of the famous ‘blue planet’ photo they took on that mission.
Finally, escape was close as Miriam-Teak Lee and the gang ended on “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” Sub Mariah, yes, but at least we could leave as she finished – and a few did so even before that.
Not even in the same ballpark as other Christmas entertainment – last week’s “Fairytale of New York” was hundred times slicker, better produced, more entertaining and joyous in every way. A bit like one of those “Christmas Book of Quotes” that one picks up for £5.99 as a gift and leaves on a shelf, turned into a reading in a local church hall.
Raised money for a good cause, but frankly, the monkey would rather have just sent a cheque and used its time more constructively elsewhere. As indeed most of the stars the creator of this show thought he could lure into appearing, probably did.
2 stars.