(30th November 2023)
Only the monkey’s second time attending this classic annual event. Worth the dry-cleaning of its dinner jacket? Joining the penguin parade on South Kensington underground station platform? You bet.
Want a front corner view of the show from a perspective you won’t see when it is edited and transmitted on TV? Read on...
As last year, the elaborate ticket comes with instructions to be seated by 6pm for a 6.15pm start. Actually, there is some leeway and folk were drifting in right until the orchestra struck up the “Hooray For Hollywood / The Man That Got Away / Putting On The Ritz overture.
Host Bradley Walsh emerged from the dugout in front of where the monkey was sitting and welcomed us all, in particular Gene Kelly’s widow Patricia, seated in the fourth row of the stalls. He also asked that those in the arena kept the black envelopes under their seats sealed until requested. More of that later.
Video followed, live as their Royal Highnesses The Prince and Princess of Wales, plus the Crown Princess Victoria and Prince Daniel of Sweden exited their car, were introduced to dignitaries and took their time getting to their box, decorated festively across the front with seasonal leaves.
The delay provided the chance for the military band to march into position on stage for the National Anthem. First surprise of the evening was monkey favourite Samantha Barks fronting a choir to sing it. Looking terrified as she entered from the wings, a deep breath relaxed her and the words resounded as we stood for the Royal party to enter.
Pretending we hadn’t already seen him, Walsh took to the stage officially, and informed us that he first did the show in 1993, exactly 30 years ago. Does he have a gong to show for it? Maybe they could fix that right now, he says, as he produces his own footman and sword – which ended up being passed around the stalls even more quickly that the “Mexican Wave” he managed to induce from the bejewelled crowd.
Such is the pace of the evening, as Walsh delivered each linking segment, the next act walked onto the stage waiting behind him, out of camera shot.
First up, the all-male Malevo from Argentina produced a drums and ropes routine with clacking energy causing Walsh to riff afterwards on 1970s toy “clackers.” He reminded us of a time when googling yourself was illegal, cashless meant skint and the danger of leaving a show after the first act... as one gentleman was trying to do.
His genial ribbing had waiting Swedish pop star Zara Larsson and her backing dancers giggling wildly. Probably helped loosen them up for a soaring vocal and tightly choreographed number “All My Love.”
Comedian Rosie Jones followed. With persistence she won a tough crowd over by the end of her set – a tale of buying her first home armed only with the knowledge of board game “Monopoly.”
The first of many breaks to let the amazing, efficient, and hardworking stage crew set up for the next act (Jones should hire them to do her removal to her new home) happened. Though the show is intended as a television broadcast, it is very much a live entertainment charity fundraising event for those lucky enough to afford and secure tickets. The compromise between transmission needs and theatre are balanced quite brilliantly.
And the next act was pure theatre. “Crazy For You,” on at the Gillian Lynne Theatre until December 2023 made the transfer to a very similarly shaped stage without losing an ounce of its magic. Charlie Stemp, Carly Anderson, Tom Edden and the team in “I’m Crazy For You” leading into “I Got Rhythm” with all the energy of their usual home. Sensational and drawing a huge reaction from us all, the dancers were hardly even out of breath by the end as they were when the monkey saw the show in July; proof that fitness increases as a run continues.
The audience proved in less than peak condition as Bradley Walsh noted “Dancing Queen” would be great as the Swedish National Anthem and mused the idea of an “away game” national anthem of our own. Complete with projected song lyrics, the Royal Albert Hall became Maplin’s Dining Room as Ted “Bradley Walsh” Bovis led us in “Sons of the Sea” – bobbing up and down like this, literally... Peering through opera glasses, the monkey did notice the Royal Box remained static. For those who asked.
Time for those black envelopes. Simon Cowell took two attempts to introduce “Britain’s Got Talent” winner Viggo Venn – Venn himself running on to tell Simon to do it “one more time,” to much amusement.
Venn’s act mostly repeated everything he had done on television. The removal of a never-ending stream of reflective jackets, a neat trick with a head balloon, and a lengthy and unoriginal sampling of audience names in the front row with a loop recording device. Still, where else are you going to find a front row with names Ebray, George, Ellen, Ashton, Dominique, Shay and Charles?
Ending with an appearance from semi-finalists “John’s Boys” choir – who in turn reveal what they wear under the dinner jackets, and a final post-applause leap across the back of the stage, time for the arena folk to put their own jackets back in the envelopes and out of camera sight.
A neat quip from Walsh about Simon “grinning from eye to eye getting through the link” drew laughs before things turned serious and Amanda Holden and Venn went to see the work done at Brinsworth House, for which the charity raises its funds. Wonderful stories from its showbiz residents gave hope to all.
Barefoot wraith Paloma Faith followed, telling us “How You Leave A Man” – which seemed to involve smashing up then climbing on top of an on-stage bus shelter. A strong beat and even stronger stage presence, the glass fell onto a strategically positioned crashmat (dual purpose). Not requiring it herself, Faith was helped down a built-in ladder by an aide as stagehands with massive brooms swept the last glass fragments away.
A second video, this time a list of coming musical theatre attractions for 2024 was received with a cheer of “Keep Theatre Live.” Look out for “Standing At The Sky’s Edge” in London and the “Les Misérables Arena Tour” nationally to name but two of an exciting year ahead.
Lively, Tom Allen was on Noel Coward dressing gown form with a tale of school nativity plays, dealing with the need to review stuff bought online and the robots who govern our lives. His self-description as a Star Wars character (watch the show to find out which) was hilarious as he sought revenge on the iniquity that is CAPTCHA.
Crystal clear as a special winter night, Hannah Waddingham and the English National Opera Chorus delivered “Oh Holy Night” to fill the venue with glory as rich as her golden gown.
In the wings, the monkey could see variously painted actors gather and assemble on stage behind Mr Walsh as he chatted about gymnasium machines. To close the first half, those painted actors were of course the opening chorus from “Disney’s The Lion King”, part of an act marking 100 Years Of Disney.
From the opening call of that show, things moved on to the Genie of Aladdin and retinue producing a lively “Never Had a Friend Like Me” before a romantic duet of “Beauty and The Beast” between Belle in her yellow dress and a smoking-jacked clad Beast.
Another gear-change with Hercules giving us “Go The Distance” before his toga-clad admirers reminded us he went from “Zero To Hero” with zingy energy.
Samantha Barks returned with a thrilling “Let It Go” from “Frozen” complete with snow storm before chatting a moment with Rafiki as the entire ensemble gather for a final triumphant “The Circle Of Life” in a blaze of colour to send us to the bar.
Act Two began with Derren Brown introducing his West End creation “Unbelievable.” A lengthy extract from the “Davenport Astro-Projection” routine followed. Simon Lipkin using a shuttlecock to select Heather from the audience to witness Bradley Walsh (in character as Stubbs) count change in another audience member’s pocket, move a ball into a glass and finally appear in the auditorium when he should have been inside an on-stage cabinet.
While Walsh recovered his dignity, a neat film recalled some of the best “speciality acts” seen at past Royal Variety Performances including 'Spelbound' and 'Attraction.'
Back on stage, the cast of “The Little Big Things” – the West End musical drawn from quadriplegic Henry Fraser’s autobiography - had the entire cast and the man himself perform from their show.
Moving on to another video, bands this time - from Girls Aloud via the Spice Girls to the Bee Gees, Bon Jovi and The Killers – allowed the crew to set up legend Rick Astley, performing a bouncy new song with an 80s feel and 60s influence vibe, “Forever and More.”
Time for Astley to share a chat with Walsh, revealing that at Glastonbury Astley and his wife stood on the Pyramid stage in front of an empty field at 11.25am. Returning at noon, 70,000 had turned out to watch.
Nearly as big as his “big band sound” for which a band had made its way onto the stage in the meantime. “Fly Me To The Moon” is a classic, and if Astley isn’t Sinatra, he made the attempt with a throbbing bass line to guide him.
Another pause for clearing, Bradley Walsh singing “Fly Me To The Moon” softly to himself as he made his way on stage again to chat between acts... and fire an hilarious fusillade to two (fake)fur bedecked ladies leaving the auditorium between scenes. “You get the weather you dress for” he quipped, before enquiring if they had huskies and a sled waiting for them outside.
Pretty good tone set for Simon Brodkin (you’ll also know his “Lee Nelson” character), hailing from the toughest part of North London, Hampstead Garden Suburb. The hit comedian of the night, his apology for previous stunts that went awry included his trying to hand Theresa May her P45 at the Conservative Party Conference and his late 2019 break-in to a laboratory in Wuhan.
He may be dyslexic, but is scared to be tested in case it turns out he isn’t, and his riff on a leap to the distant future closes the set on a well-earned side grin to our host.
Introduced with a history video film and lengthy struggle by a young stagehand with a recalcitrant microphone cable, McFly marked 20 years with “Power To Play” from their new album.
Plenty of smoke and fireworks (monkey’s seat was behind the launchers - it was fascinated to see it is done with tiny glass tubes and a radio antenna sticking up from the control box). The music itself was loud, with a catchy old-fashioned guitar solo, proper rock.
Chatting with their old friend Walsh, Tom let slip he is working on a new musical as the next act walked on and was made ready.
Melanie C, Ben Forster and the National Youth Choir paid moving tribute to the irreplaceable Bill Kenwright with a soaringly expressive “Tell Me It’s Not True” from Kenwright’s greatest production “Blood Brothers.” The perfect blend of voices did him proud.
Maintaining the sombre mood, to “Shattered Heart,” the annual list of those who departed the entertainment world this year was projected, many photographs drawing warm applause. Among the greats were Glenda Jackson, Bill Kenwright, Haydn Gwynne, Paul Cattermole and Topol, mentioned too Anna Scher and Jo Hawes – casting director of children for so many West End shows. Ending on Dame Edna’s memorable invasion of the Royal Box at a past Royal Variety Performance seemed a fitting way to end the roll call, as Barry Humphries absence is felt so much at this time.
Seated at the grand piano, Lang Lang and Lucy gave a virtuoso “four hands” performance of Chopin, to rapturous applause.
As the piano was moved, Bradley Walsh waited where the monkey was sitting, and took a few moments to chat. Loving the evening, (and doing brilliantly, the monkey reassured him), he explained how wonderful it was to spend four whole days rehearsing with so many friends.
Cue light on to call him to the stage, he noted his wife and son were in the audience, and reminisced about his first experience in the Royal Albert Hall when he was called about the Royal Variety Performance and working with Shirley Bassey.
Stage hands remarking breathlessly about the weight of their platform, the nuns of “Sister Act The Musical” took position on the steps as Beverley Knight and Ruth Jones attempted to mould the disorderly choir into something heavenly.
A lovely line about “calm down, it isn’t the Pope in the Royal Box” and Walsh exiting on an ad-lib confession about Tesco, “Praise The Lord” should sell more than a few tickets as Beverley Knight does her usual hall filling belt.
Another pause, Walsh in his dugout “I’m up,” and a reassuring “almost there” from his stage manager encouraged him for the final lap.
When the backing singers assemble wearing tiny silver dresses and matching boots it can only mean one thing. Cher in the house with “DJ Play A Christmas Song” from her new album, “Christmas.”
In a long black coat, voice set to reverb, Cher rocks as only she can as the dancers move to perfection. A new Christmas dance-floor filler for certain.
Accepting from Bradley Walsh that she does look good, the crowd shouted for more, but at 10.15pm it was time for Walsh to thank graciously the staff of the Royal Albert Hall and the team who made the show possible, the artistes of the night and to gather the performers on stage together for the final time to the strains of Darlene Love’s “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home).”
With three cheers for our royalty, and a short pause while they belted from their box to the car park to be first out, another year was over. The monkey vows to set its recorder to capture the broadcast, as well as be first in line for tickets next year if the show is at the same venue.
A true variety of talent and unmissable.
5 stars, standing ovation given.